Waiting at the last station

Death, the overgrowing shadow on humanity’s shoulder since it’s birth,it doesn’t matter how happy, tough, manly, adult, or whatever you are, when the thought comes you’ll be scared. And the fact is death, the moment, the actual act of dying, it’s not scary at all, everything just stops, no more anger, no more fear, and yes no more love or happiness but life needs appealing too you know, and indeed what’s scary about death is what you live behind,or what you won’t have possibility of knowing, when you die the suffering stops, for you, but not for the one who loved you, and the one who didn’t, the one you knew, the one who love the ones who loved you.

What’s scary about death is the regrets, the fear of having wasted your life, the fear of fade away, something that happens too easily when you’re alive as well.

What’s scary about death is that you can’t really help anyone who’s around it, is a process we all need to learn to accept,and yet after thousand of years we still try to forget about it instead of accepting it, after all even if death is scary it’s what makes life important in a singular way, your life matters because it will end, what you do is important because it will help you be remembered by the ones that come after you. Death is the definer of the importance of everything you do, and everything you decide to be.

I used to want to live forever, i thought that it would be awesome to travel alone forever, watching over the world as it evolved, in some way i still do just because i want to know everything, but even if i did, what would be of use for? there would be no one to share the beauty around with, and i would just be there watching as everything around me would rot away; And i’m sure i would feel guilty, for every single person i couldn’t save, and everything that died without me being able to do nothing.Well the guilt still comes even if i know of my mortality, i feel guilty of feeling more sad for one person than another, i feel guilty of not feeling enough sadness,i feel guilty when i don’t feel completely swallowed by grief, i guess i never lost someone really close to me. Today my grandmother died, and even if i’m sad,i feel like i’m not sad enough, and i’m scared of talking to my Dad, because i’m scared he’ll see that in my eyes,i’m scared that the rest of the family will see the guilt in my eyes.

Is it alright to feel more attached to some people than others? is it okay to not like people? is it okay to like people but just wanting to leave your past behind? i ask myself this questions a lot, and i feel guilty, always, anyone who met me knows that i apologize for everything, even mistakes that are not mine, and it’s because of all this. I feel guilty of wanting to be friends with people that i like, i feel guilty because i abandoned people who loved me, i feel guilty for not feeling enough for people, i feel guilty for every thought, and i feel guilty because i desired what other fear for so long that inside i’m still jealous i can’t just shut my eyes and enjoy the silence for the rest of time.But even through this guilt, and this overwhelming desires that don’t come from the part of me that i want, through this i still fight, i still scratch the walls for a bit of hope, for better days to come,when i will get the answer to this questions, to when i’ll find forgiving love for all my mistakes.

I know this is a sad entry, but today i’m sad, and sadness leades my mind in the wrong chemicals. If you read this and you’re feeling lonely and lost, talk to a friend, or someone you love, hell you can even write to me if you need,there is the link to my twitter on the side, everyone deserves love and friends, and everyone deserves a shot at life.

Matt


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