The hardest in the midst of the easy things

I introduced my fears when i talked about death, this time i want to talk about something beautiful but so hard to understand; this time i want to talk about Love.

What a wonderful thing love is ehy? when it’s involved in something it makes it better, and from the outside looks like the easiest thing possible,even if it’s not,so i want to share my experience with love, dividing it in three parts ( idea that comes from Hazel Hayes, one great filmmaker, if you by any chance are reading this and don’t know her, go check her on youtube!) to be metaphorical, three roads: family, friends, and life partner.

the first road:family, it should be unconditional love, in both direction there should be forgiveness and acceptance, there should be a realization of the fact that both parts are human, sooner or later, and there should be honesty and affection. I say there should be because that is what i learned i would have liked, as many in this world i didn’t have the chance of experiencing first hand good family love, my vision was tiptoeing around my parents and my grandparents, changing myself to make them feel better, trying to learn how life worked with mines and they’re mistakes on my shoulders,there wasn’t honesty there were lies, and as you may have come to understand by now,loneliness. To be clear i’m not angry with my parents, i forgave them, as i said human make mistakes, but that doesn’t change the fact that i can’t love them like i should, i lost all feelings for one and i feel extremely guilty whenever i see the other, so much that i can’t bear to look him in the eyes because i’m ashamed of what i did.

Soon after that second road is ahead: friendship. From now on love is not unconditional,( even if i actually believe that you are not forced to love anyone, and i mean A-N-Y-O-N-E) friendship is love you have to earn, friends are the one you chose to like and that should know you for who you are, that accept your changes and work on your problem with you with kindness and objectivity when you are lacking it. I didn’t work hard enough on this one, when i was little i had some friends, but after moving house i lost contact with them, not having a phone or internet or that stuff, and at school i just was terrified of being alone that i tried to go along with everybody, not knowing the difference of who liked me, who pitied me and who just used me to have some fun with others, i wanted to love everyone and i wanted everyone to love me, so much that i actually destroyed my personality keeping only some core views that stuck with me since i was little, and actually understood what i was doing just when i was sixteen. The fact is you don’t need to have a thousand friends, hell you don’t need ten, you need to be friend with who loves you, who understands you and shows it to you, in the little things, in one way or another, i have some friends like that, and i’m grateful to them because they didn’t leave me behind even if i was an assholes through my teenage years. And after putting on internet i learned that there are people out there that actually think like me, and that my mind finds interesting and wants to trust them, thing that sounds normal but is not for my mind LOL.

And finally the third road,soulmate love, partner love, boyfriend,girlfriend, call it however you want, is the one that can hurt and help the most, is the one with the longest journey and the most difficult to find. i’m not good at friendship, you can imagine at relationships, in fact i never had one, when i was little i used to crush on the first girl that was sweet to me and just be all cheesy towards her, yet again i stuck with this tactic until 16, i wanted love but that didn’t stop me to let my dick get the best of me sometimes and treat some girls in a really ugly way, between my 13 and my 15 i touched some butts and i wasn’t allowed to, i was disgusting and i regret it to this day, i wish i could take it back but i can’t, and i want to apologize publicly not only to the girls i did this to but to all women who have to suffer through that kind of shit every day, i’m deeply sorry i let the ugly part get to me. I say this to let you understand that i’m not just a poor guy who suffered gne gne, is just the most i remember, and i don’t like feel like a victim, because i’m not, i’m not a good person and i shouldn’t be seen as one. Now to go back to the argument, as i said things changed when i was 16, for the first time i fell in love, proper one, the first time i saw her she struck me, because differently from all the other girls i wasn’t overwhelmed by how cute she was, but she looked sad and tough, she looked in her mind and out of the room, for the first time i saw someone who looked like me,i was too scared to talk to her, she didn’t take shit from guys like me, cheesy kind type of guy, as always i tried to talk to her slowly, took me six month to actually get a conversation but at the end of the year of school we were friends, i talked to her and i started to actually fancy her. Summer brake came and as my usual i didn’t ask her number so i couldn’t reach her, but at the start of the following school year i sat next to her from the first day, and that was the beginning, from that day on for almost all year we sat separated from the rest of the class, it was me, her and oh almost forgot, her boyfriend, yes as my usual i fell in love with someone who had a boyfriend, and for those thinking “so?” so i hate betrayal and i would never make anyone go through something like that for my own pleasure; But what could i do? my heart would start raising every time i saw her, thinking of her face made me smile and most importantly after years of feeling completely alone, in the void with me there was a smiling face looking at me and distracting me from all the shit in my head, for the first time i had shown myself to someone and that someone liked it, it was scary and beautiful and it didn’t last long. When the end of the year came she started slowly ignoring me, it broke my heart, for the second time i didn’t know what i did wrong and why the person i loved was just leaving me there without an explanation. From that time i never actually tried to be with someone, i’m still overwhelmed by the cuteness of girls and i have a HUGE crush on Dodie Clark which i realize is a dumb thing because you can’t effectively like someone you don’t know but i need the hope of someday finding people who like me again, and her mind is similar to mine, too similar actually, Anyway all i have tasted for now is one way love, i loved but i haven’t been loved back yet,and even if it gave me time to actually know what i want to do with my life, it still kind of stings that i didn’t get to have samples from teenage love, the one that makes you think that you’ll be together for eternity, the one that breaks your heart, the one where you can be stupid with someone and not get completely eaten by the consequences, but between my many regrets the things i personally lost are not the one, we all live different lives, every journey is different and there are things we don’t expect but that doesn’t mean we have to regret them, every particular life is beautiful on itself and doesn’t have to be compared to others.

Said so i want to explain why i set up the “roads” metaphor, as i said for a long time i changed myself for others, because i thought that every person needed different things, and as this is not completely true it doesn’t lack extent; it’s true that every person needs something different but you don’t need to change for others, you need to change only for yourself and you will find others that think like you, and that’s why i talked of roads, i always thought love was divided and one needed to take different paths for different type of love while now i realize that, love is a highway (yea yea life is a highway, cars and blah blah, fuck off) and the love you need to give is not majorly different from lane to lane, you just need to know which one to use but for every lane you need to accelerate and slow down based on how others sharing it with you are doing, you need to stop and check on the people you chose to get on your highway and try everything you canto help them, and the thing goes both ways.

So as magnificent and fulfilling love can be one must remember always that it is not a given, not for your family nor for people around you, love has to be earned, with some people is easy with other is harder but all depends on you, just be kind,be empathetic and be yourself and fight through the shit cause the world is worth it, even if sometimes it doesn’t  look like it

Matt

 


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