The whispers right before you sleep

There is a brief moment, before falling asleep, when my mind slips in a place that i try to avoid most of the time, it’s weird that such an hypothetical plan of existence gives me such…..comfort i guess, it makes me feel sad and happy at the same time to know that maybe, out there you exist,maybe you’re the reason why my eyes feel strange in the mirror,or maybe i’m just a scribble in one of your journals, who knows. And every time i slip into your mind i wonder, do you feel heavy like i do? does the thought of leaving your house make your legs feel empty too? are you scared too of every look, of every word that comes out of your mouth? do you have my same dreams? and do you still want to be able to protect everyone and make them happy?

And i wonder, how’s dad? He’s probably still the most kind man you will ever meet, right? did he play with you when you were little, did he teach you how to ride a bike or talk to other people without being rude? was he there to see you grow and teach you how to shave? or make fun of you in front of your girlfriend?

And i wonder, how’s mom? was she there when your heart was broken to hug you and tell you that it’s ok to cry? did she cry when you left to school for the first time? was she there to tell you that you could be whatever you want in life, that you just had to work hard and believe in yourself?

And i keep wondering, do you know what being sure that someone loves you back is like? do you know how feeling confident of your thoughts feels? did you have friends in school, did you play dumb too, or did you decide to be yourself?

You know, i wonder most nights because i don’t know, and after all day passed in front of a screen, too scared to do anything but play videogames, i wonder how would i be if things had been different, would i still be empathetic, would i be this lonely? would i have done the shit i did? And i keep saying that i wouldn’t change anything, because every little rock thrown my way made me who i am, but i say it to convince myself more than to convince others, because no matter what i say, i’m jealous of what others had and what they have, i have always been, and i feel guilty for this jealousy because 99% of the rest of the world has had it worse than me, but still it fucking hurts you know, and there hasn’t been a place to split all that pain into, it was all in me, all the time, and it made me rot inside,and i’m scared i won’t be able to heal from that.

How many words do you say out loud, cause i think a lot,but of the ten thousand things that i think in one day, the most stupid come out of my mouth,and i’m always disappointed with those.Are you smart? did you go to university? i couldn’t go, but i guess i can learn film-making by myself, do you look at your past with joy? because there is nothing for me there, i guess in some way you are a representation of what i wish my past was like, my way of reaching for a safe place, because dreams are hard to chase,while talking to a version of you who’s doing fine is easy. Maybe one day i won’t need you anymore, i will finally reach the future that i ran after for all this years,and maybe we could just be happy together, but for now, other me, i will just need you from time to time.

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