Growing up needing to be an alpha.

So i have a massive headache, i feel my blood flowing and i am ashamed and disgusted by the news in the last week, so i may not be the one who needs to talk but since i wish to be part of the construction of a world safe and equal for every single human being on this planet no matter the whatever (gender, sexuality, race, all that stuff that people can’t seem to understand how it’s a personal choice and shouldn’t affect anyone but the person who chooses to label him/herself with a specific label, sorry for the repetition there, if you don’t like someone make sure it’s because they’re dicks and not because they are slightly different from you) and i care about the entertainment industry, because i want one day to be able to work as a director. I’ll start with saying that i am not in any way an innocent nice little guy who just doesn’t understand how this could happen, i don’t know if i mentioned but i made mistakes in my past, from my 13th to my 16th years old i mistreated women in certain occasions, more specifically i inappropriately touched girls who i thought were okay with that, i was a dumb little asshole and i wish i could beat myself everyday for what i’ve done, and the more the years passed the more i realized how bad those girls must have felt, there were three girls in three occasions, usually i would be kind but stupid, i didn’t understand how the relationship with girls worked and i didn’t have someone to ask to so i would just go for it and they didn’t say anything so i just assumed they were ok with that, and this is what i want to talk about.

i’m terrified writing this because i always wanted to be kind and help people, and knowing that i messed up even with that at certain points hurts, i feel guilty and ashamed of what i have done, and even apologizing didn’t change that, i’m scared because this is on the internet and will one day maybe come back to haunt me, but that is the reason why i write it, because i have no intention of hiding my mistakes anymore, and if what i have done will not be something that people who will meet me and read this be able to forgive i will be ok with that.


So to the main point, i know i am a small voice screaming in a canyon, but if this could prevent even one little boy to become a man that women need to be afraid of i’m glad t write it. I grew up learning from movies and surrounding, there wasn’t someone who could teach me how the world worked or how i should behave, and society doesn’t teach well to little boys how things should be. What society tells little growing men is that they need to be in control, they need to be rocks with no emotions, that the only thing they can care about is cars and sports and nude calendars, and that they have a right on having whatever they want as long as they are strong enough to take it, as someone who liked movies and acting,who loved cartoons and watched what are considered “girls shows”, i was in some way messed up by this, as demonstrated by the things i’ve done in my teenage years, when testosterone got in my head.

Well all the absolute bullshit society tells little boys is, you guessed it, FUCKING BULLSHIT, is toxic and damaging, for boys in the immediate time and for women who will have to deal with the absolute assholes those lies creates. There is nothing created exclusively for men or for women, is just something that they have to say because the men in power are scared, they fear the change, they gain on chaos and conflict, men are scared to admit that they would like to take a relaxing bath that smelled like roses while listening to Africa by toto, or cry while watching a good rom com, they are scared to admit reality because it would make them seem weak and break a lye that has been going on for far too long, but there is nothing to be afraid of, why should a man be afraid of crying? why should a man be afraid of asking? fuck we are not born with knowledge, you need to ask stuff or you’ll end up like harvey weinstein, a fucking asshole who believes he is god because he has some paper set as currency by the current society. So i don’t know who is reading this but please if you are, show this to every single freaking guy you can, and tell them that we have to break this cycle, we are all the same, we all suffer and we all love, we all have different tastes and passions, and that is ok, hell more than ok, it’s beautiful, every human paints a small part in the old canvas that is this world, it’s not okay for women to be scared of following they’re dreams, walking alone at night, or leaving they’re house, it’s not okay for a little boy to feel wrong because he likes hugs instead of punches, or dancers instead of motorcycles, and it’s not okay for someone to feel ashamed for being treated like an object just because she or he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or just wanted to do something related to someone who is twisted in the head.

I will never be able to apologize enough for my mistakes, and it will haunt me until i will have apologized to every woman on earth for what i have done, for this reason i write this, because i want to help prevent something like this from happening again, i may just be a little voice but maybe an echo could spread it throughout the world and make other understand that the only way to ever go on is kindness and understanding. And if you feel like you ant to add something or tell me that i sayed something wrong, comments are open and i will discuss with everyone who wishes to engage in conversation. I hope that things will change, if not in my time i will try to fight it to make it better for the future.



The featured image is a breathtaking piece of art by Beatriz Martin Vidal i’ll leave the link to her blog, i hope she doesn’t mind me using it, it’s just really beautiful.


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