At the core, it pushes through.

i don’t precisely know how i should manage the timeline of this post, it’s weird but i feel like writing it,so i will just go chronologically.

Every person on this planet is different, the personalities are someway similar, but just like colors it starts with the base and it goes into a million shades, and as i understand most people at some point in they’re life struggle with themselves, in finding who they are, i’m one of them obviously or i wouldn’t be here writing this, i would be outside with a beer and some friends. In some way i consider myself lucky, since i was little i always had one thing driving me forward, and that was making people happy, i could never stomach people crying, it would make me feel this emptiness inside my stomach, while on the other hand when i made people laugh i felt so good, it was like a drug, i never stopped trying to make people laugh, but in the years i lost something. I always played dumb, cause that was the way people liked me, for years i pretended, for so long that i actually convinced myself too, and after starting middle school i just started being a different person for every single one of the people i knew, different jokes and way to treat others, different politeness and generosity and different way of talking, i went on like this until i was sixteen, that year i found out things that changed my way of viewing all i did before that, my head felt like exploding, all i could think was “who am i?” i looked in the mirror and i was disgusted by the tired, baggy eyes looking back at me, lost in thoughts different from mines, and so i started working on myself, seeing what moments in my life made me become who i was, what was at the center of my core and what i wanted to bring on with me through the years, it took me years and i’m still working on it but i understood a couple of years ago what was that made up my core:

For started i started understanding that the mind was creator of everything, every single accomplishment made by the human race was thanks to the absolutely incredible and fascinating machine called brain, so i started reflecting more on what i did and why, i questioned everything i did, and i still do, and i probably will never stop, i dig to find as much as i could, i was angry for information, i wanted to not look stupid anymore, i wanted to understand what happened to the kid who was distracted in class but could easily understand whatever the teachers would explain, and so i got to my second core point, i began being curious again, everything that could get me interested was absolutely fantastic, i started listening to my classes, loving philosophy, psychology physics (i’m not good at it tho, lol) literature, english,chemistry, human biology and most importantly art. In the same moment i started working on myself all the years of really really dangerous mind state exploded in full on depression, and so as my head just kept creating and seeing things to explain what at the time i thought was normal, i discovered art in its whole, at the beginning i thought that art was only standing for boring religious statues and paintings, which were well made but not of my interest, and then i discovered Van gogh, the man who through his life was refused by life, who felt like he didn’t deserve the life he was given and that killed himself way too young because of depression, i fell in love with him, with his style, and the kind person that he was, for the first time i related completely to someone (god this phrase is so pretentious, relating to the greatest man in all human history, sure dude keep dreaming) and so i understood that i wanted to create art like him, only difference is i want to be a director cause since i was a child i always loved movies and animation and my hands can’t bring to life what my minds sees LOL. As i already said i always wanted to make people happy, and even if that mindset brought me to an endless amount of mind breaking pain, i didn’t change my mind, i still want to do it and the base brick to bring happiness is kindness, which except for some really bad mistakes is the one thing i’ve always been no matter what the situation. And so finally,love, it was always important in some way, even if i didn’t really know what it meant, i always wanted to find someone to share my life with, no matter what we went through and grow old with them, basically i’m Carl from “UP”, And i think this comes from a dream i had when i was little, which maybe i’ll write of one day.

So now why write this? well cause in the last two weeks i’ve been struggling again with accepting who i am, not because of me but because of the fact that people around me are not happy with who i am, and i change myself still to please them, and i shouldn’t, and i hate doing it but as long as i live in this cursed country i won’t be able to start anew. So i guess i’m writing this to get as usual weight off my chest and to say to the world, don’t make others change who you are, and if others don’t accept you, just don’t stay with them, no matter who they are.

hope you’re having a good halloween, and yea the picture is paint fight me!

Matt

 

 


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