I’ve been settling my mind for some time now, even if i don’t feel like it, i’m still really young, and although it may sound stupid or pretentious, i do really believe that i started creating myself a few years back,before that i was just an empty shell filled with different tastes crafted for different people,acceptable for others, real bad for me. Loneliness is something that pains me greatly, ironically it’s one of the few things that accompanied me my whole life, and now don’t get me wrong, i had people around me, they loved “me” or at least the construct of myself that i had created for them, but my mind never stopped telling me that nothing and no one was around me, i was always merged with a palpable black fog, that made me invisible to others, and when i found the courage to disperse the fog, i would always find a wall between me and others, so i guess in some way i stopped trying, time after time i felt like i didn’t belong, while my mouth created an automatic grin my eyes would lose focus and my head would just switch to dreams that made me feel more comfortable, a night in sit on the ground with close friends playing some board game, or finding myself whispering my day with another person,being able to talk confidently as myself about my passions and beliefs without being scared of others judgement and so just lowering my voice until no one notices i’m there anymore.
For as long as i can remember as been like this, i always felt alone, and until few years back i faulted others, i thought that i’d just found some bad people, and while in some case that’s true i learned that i was the cause of this loneliness, as said above i didn’t really exist, i didn’t have a personality, i mimicked other people around me behavior, way of talking, hell even laughter, and i used to be loud, very loud (i still am, but it’s more controlled LOL), i wanted people to see that i existed, i once was called out on my laughs, a friend told me that i had a really bad fake laugh, and i remember feeling overwhelmed, like the mask had fractured and people could see my face underneath, and i was terrified because i knew that others couldn’t like who i was. All this was the cause of my loneliness, the reason why i never belonged is because it wasn’t me who was searching for people to love, and i feel like an asshole for all the people who worried for “me” in the years, who were kind to me and were payed back with a blurry portrait of me, i feel like i emotionally tricked and used every person i know, and i’m too scared to apologize and just say that i want to move on with my life.
Now on the other part of loneliness is not only friendship,as we all know well, but love too, and OH BOY OH BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT! Let’s start by saying that i believe in chaos, i’m an atheist, i don’t believe in faith or luck, even if i’m fascinated by every explanation that humans create, and even if there is a huge part of me who tells me all this, i like to pretend i believe in true love, in “the one” random park encounters and in red strings attached to the pinky of your soulmate around the world, i love that stuff and for all my life (even if puberty and bad role models made me an asshole in my early teen years) i always wished i had one person i could share my life with, someone that accepted me for me, that no matter what it stick with you,and that i could grow old with, someone to love with everything i have for the rest of my life, for a long time i didn’t understand why exactly i was in some way different than others my age, and still am, i mean how many thirteen years old boy wish to find someone to spend they’re life with? and how many twenty two years old men are not really interested in casual sex partners? The percentage is pretty low i believe, but as i grew up asking myself that,one dream always haunted me, or rather stuck with me for such a long time.
It wasn’t long, rather simple as visuals too, but it made me feel so strange, i think it was the first time i ever felt emotions at such a huge level of impact, i remember that even if simple it was beautiful, it was a white background, there were just some thick black lines that were supposed to resemble mountains, and i was alone with a girl on a bright yellow bus, the most beautiful girl i’d ever seen, she had long red hair held up in a large bun, she was rather pale and with beautiful freckles daubed over her nose and her cheeks, with green eyes and the most beautiful smile i had ever seen, she never spoke a word, she watched me as i lived this yellow bus, and i remember knowing that she would follow me, i remember feeling that she loved me, and when i turned around the bus was leaving, she was looking at me from the back window, i saw her eyes hiding sadness and my stomach feel empty all of a sudden, almost like it had disappeared and a hole was left there instead, and i before i woke up i remember screaming ” Don’t take her away, please”, i was a kid, it was weird but it hurt like never before, and i remember thinking that i didn’t want it to never happen again. And so in the last times i was thinking that the dream may have had an effect on my way of thinking, i admit that i never loved, i never had a relationship, and i’m terrified at the thought of losing the chance to experience young, reckless and stupid love.
With loneliness also came resentment, while on one side i was dreaming on the other i was jealous of others who had the life i thought i wanted, or even of what i didn’t care of having, i still do in the present, i managed to control it but it’s still there, i don’t wish for other people’s life, success or talent, i ok with being me and i know i can improve myself everyday, but there is still something uncontrollable that comes over me when i’m not somewhere with people i like, it’s like i’m scared of vanishing if i’m not in the radius of who i like for some time, and a lot of time this happens with people that don’t know me and it’s fucking annoying, i can’t control it even if i know it’s irrational, and it makes me look fucking nuts on social media, seriously i look like the worst stalker ahahaahh. So anyway this is another rant about feelings, brought on the surface by some really bad weeks, some not so nice company, and as always two movies who brought me back up (Jim and Andy: the great beyond, is on netflix, he is one of my greatest inspirations and aspirations, i will talk about him soon, and 500 day of summer, saw it for the first time and is such a good movie, i loved it a lot). thank you for reading, if you are? still need to get used to this ahahaah.