stuck in the crowd

I haven’t wrote anything in a while, i fell again in the habit of self sabotage by playing video games like crazy, and i guess there is a reason behind that, which stopped me from chasing my dreams, from doing anything at all actually. Through the years i was shown and told that my voice didn’t matter, and if it’s true or not i do not know, but i know that whenever i write or i speak, i use myself as an example or i feel like talking about what happened to me, and i feel selfish, i feel like i’m victimizing myself, thing that i always hated, and i feel like people reading will think of me as a winy asshole who just wants pity. This would be fine if it stopped, but it doesn’t, every time i open my mouth, i write to someone, i see something different from what i think, or someone tells me i’m wrong i feel so angry and sad, because i’m terrified of never finding someone who will like me. I don’t really know how to deal with this on my own, through the years i tried to teach myself how to move on, with not big successes, but slowly it gets easier to think of the future with some hope, although wishes fill my mind and no actual step forward is taken in my life.

I will start to try and write fiction on here, and sometime write stuff like this. Not much to say, all i can think about is that life is kind of tough and i’d like to get to a point where i can start being myself and learning how to deal with other people and the effective thought of being alive in the future.


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